


snow white

by wapiti



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Gen, also SWEAR WORDS, and the rest of fukurodani, there is succ in this be CAREFUL
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-28 13:06:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6330391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wapiti/pseuds/wapiti
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>snow white: haikyuu edition. bokuto is snow white, kuroo is the apple, akaashi is the prince.</p><p>bokuto succ the dick n it kill him. only akaashi, TRU LOVE, can save the day.</p><p>(not a serious fanfiction. based off of the disney movie, snow white.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	snow white

“mirror mirror on the wall. whos the fuckin best,” kenma said, to the mirror, that was on the wall.  the mirror showed hinatas shining sunny smile.

“BOKUTO” hinata shouted. kenma made a very disgusted face, like when nekoma’s coach said ‘i will leave lev in your care’. 

“what the fuck, shoyo. hes hideous”

“looks arent all that matters.” hinata was upset that kenma did not know this. “he is a COOL ACE. HE IS SO COOL”

“fuck” kenma said. why was the mirror on the wall so easily impressed by things other than physical beauty.

“his ugly face cant hide his ability. he’s too good” hinata said. kenma was PISSED

“bokuto koutarou………………..” kenma hissed, with anger,

  
  
  


bokuto snow white koutarou scrubbed bird shit off the stairs. why. this is the outdoors. there are birds everywhere and they will just shit again. bokuto was also singing to the birds that would just ruin his hard work. he was a terrible singer. the birds are here for his muscles, not the song

“this is a wishing well” he said. the bird did not respond. it was a bird.

bokuto wished to find his tru love. he started singing about tru love. the prince, akaashi, heard the loud noise and rode his horse over to see who was dying in excruciating pain. surprise its just bokuto singing

akaashi was BEHIND HIM but he didnt push him in the well even though he wanted to a little bit because that would mean bokuto would stop making that awful racket.

“are u dying” akaashi said, and bokuto was so scared that he screamed. akaashi was BEAUTIFUL

so beautiful, in fact, that bokuto had to run away. he is gone

“wait please dont run away” akaashi said. he just wanted to make sure bokuto wasnt dying. bokuto slammed the door. he was too beautiful

bokuto watched akaashi out his window, though, because he was fuckin gay for this beautiful man. even the birds thought he was beautiful. it was too much

  
  
  
  


“take bokuto into the forest” kenma the evil queen said to lev the huntsman.  “and KILL him”

“BUT YOUR MAJESTY……… BOKUTO SAN………”

“SILENCE” kenma SHOUTED. lev was sad. but he had to. “to make doubly sure,,,,,,,,,” kenma said,,,, “you do NOT FAIL,,,,,,, bring back his HEART”

  
  
  


bokuto was fuckin singing again. now he was pickin flowers in the woods because lev took him to the forest. he noticed a guy

“hey my dude are u lost where are ur mom n dad” he said. the guys hair was so messy he looked like he had been lost in the forest for a week. somehow he was still very hot.

“im 23 years old” the man said. this man was kuroo

“u are lost please dont cry i will help u”

“im not crying” kuroo said. lev was getting worried because he was supposed to kill bokuto but now there was A Man here. 

“perk up. smile. ur mom n dad cant be far”

“i told u im 23” kuroo said again. but he was not mad. this guy had cool hair and Muscle

lev was gonna kill bokuto. he had to. for kenma. but he looked at bokuto and he couldnt. he started crying because hes a giant baby. he dropped the knife. he cried into bokuto’s pants

“what is wrong i dont understand” bokuto said to lev. 

“the queen is jealous his mirror said u were COOLER THAN HIM it said u were the fuckin BEST. RUN RUN AWAY HIDE IN THE WOODS AND NEVER COME BACK”

bokuto panicked and ran as fast as he could, through the forest, away from lev and the strangely attractive lost man, through the dark trees. he SCREAM when the tree door hand hook car door. i mean, bokutos pants. he fell into a river and screamed at everything because he was so scared of the evil forest. he collapsed on the dirt.

surprise. the eyes in the forest were not monsters. they were animals. all of the animals came to see what was wrong with bokuto.  when he moved, they RAN AWAY, but bokuto was like “dont be afraid i was afraid and look where it got me.” the animals were like shit ur right. the birds sang. bokuto started to sing too. they sang over him to try to drown him out. it was hard. he is a loud man.  

the animals lead bokuto to a tiny house. the original tiny house, which started the tiny house fad, probably. he looked in the window. it was dark. so he broke in, obviously

no one was home. so bokuto invited the entire forest population into the house. he sat in their fuckin chairs.

“seven chairs. there are seven fukurodanis” he realized, because he was not an idiot. “seven messy fucks” he said. the table was covered in fucking dirty dishes and clothes too?? dust was everywhere.  “what a pile of dirty dishes” everything was fuckinf nasty. “if i clean the house they will let me stay” he thought, so he cleaned the house, that he broke into. this plan will not work in real life.

“you wash the dishes” he told the animals. somehow, they spoke japanese, and they helped him clean, even though he was the one who needed to stay, not them. fucking freeloader

  
  
  
  


the seven fukurodanis who lived in the fuckin trash heap were miners. they mined fuckin diamonds. they also sang about mining. “high HOE” they sang. because they were all fucking high, probably, and they were definitely all hoes. their names were doc washio, happy sarukui, grumpy konoha, bashful komi, dopey onaga, sneezy yukie, and sleepy kaori. 

they sang high hoe into the fuckin sunset.

  
  
  


bokuto went upstairs. he was snooping. rude 

he read the names on their beds. he laughed. also rude. third rude move: he was tired so he just decided to sleep in their beds. not just one of their beds. three. he stretched himself across THREE of their beds

but the seven fukurodanis were comin back. all of the animals heard them and RAN because they did not have a death wish

“look at our HOUSE its LIT i mean the light is lit” doc washio said and they all scrabambled to the trees.

“jiminy crickets” they all said. the door was fuckin open and there was smoke in the chimney. who the fuck

they opened the door. they came in Very Slowly and carefully. except fucking dopey onaga slammed the gotdamn door. but bokuto didnt wake up. they searched Everywhere to find out who tf was in their house.  when they finally made it upstairs, bokuto Awaken

“its a fucken monster” “its HUGE it takes up THREE BEDS” “lets kill it before it wakes up” they crept up on bokuto. he was not awaken, as originally suspected. he was under the covers again. they TORE the covers off and saw his FACE

“what is that” happy sarukui asked. he had never seen a ugly guy before i guess

“its. its…. itss……… its an ACE” doc washio told him. idiot.

“he looks so strong” sneezy yukie said. 

“i bet hes a really good ace” bashful komi said. how did they know.

“BAH. he is an ACE. THEY ARE ALL FULL OF TROUBLE” grumpy konoha said. because he was jealous of bokutos muscles.

“trouble like what” bashful komi asked.

“i dont know” said grumpy konoha. but he was still Very Sure that bokuto was bad news. he was being loud and doc washio told him to shut the fuck up but he did not. bokuto woke up and they all hid in fear. bokuto saw their fuckin faces and SCREAMED

“you are the fukurodanis. how do you do” bokuto said

“how do you do what” grumpy konoha said. bokuto did not care that he was rude. this rude little man. bokuto guessed all of their names from the names written on the bed. grumpy konoha was grumpy about this.

“who are you??” they asked.

“bokuto” said bokuto

“BOKUTO THE ACE” they screamed. yes. it was him, bokuto the ace. “we are MAD” grumpy said. “because you broke into our house. get out”

“if you kick me out he’ll KILL ME” bokuto said. they were Flabbergasted. who would kill bokuto the ace?????? kenma. kenma would. thats who. and bokuto told them so. because hinata the mirror on the wall said bokuto was cooler than him.

despite konoha’s best angry reasons, they let bokuto the ace stay, because he could cook.  they were all shitey cooks and they were starving. they needed him. so he cooked and they all played volleyball and it was a wonderful time

  
  
  
  


lev brought kenma the heart of a pig and he was mad as hell. he was not fooled by this shit. he went to his basement. “fuckin pig heart. fuckin lev. gotta do everything myself” he said angrily. there was no one else there. he was talking to himself.

kenma turned himself into an old witch to fool bokuto. bokuto couldnt know it was him. bokuto wouldnt trust him. but how would he get bokuto dead???

kuroo. thats how.

  
  
  
  


meanwhile, the rest of fukurodani was having a fucking grand time playing volleyball. they had a sleepover.

  
  
  
  


kenma knew that kuroo was bokutos pal. but not really, cause they only met once, and then bokuto ran away. but this would work. kenma knocked kuroo the fuck out. he poisoned his dick. he put a Spell on kuroo. and then he would bring kuroo to bokuto. the best plan.

he turned kuroos dick into the most amazing dick ever.  “to tempt bokuto with Thirst,,,,,,,,,,,,” he cackled. “then i will be the BEST”

sleeping death was the poison. the poison on the dick. the only antidote to this was true loves first kiss.

“bokuto is so fuckin ugly. this plan will never fall through.” kenma was a fool. but anyway

 

he brought kuroo to bokuto. all of fukurodani was at work in the diamond mine makin it rain. bokuto was making an awful racket singing and making terrible food for the team. he wasnt a good cook. it was unfortunate. but then THERE WAS KENMA, disguised as an old lady. he was acting creepy.

“are the little men all gone”

“yes” bokuto said.

“i have  A GIFT,,,,,,,,,” kenma said. the gift was kuroo. kuroo went in the house. the birds were screaming but bokuto did not listen. the animals ran to tell the seven fukurodanis.

“bro. suck my dick” kuroo said.

“bro,,” bokuto said. kuroo was actin weird. yea he was hot, but man. what

“all ur dreams will come tru” kenma told bokuto. then he left so bokuto could do the succ.

“ok, my dude,” bokuto said. he succ. that dick was magnificent. but that dick was no good, my dude. bokuto was K.O. kenma dragged kuroo away before the spell wore off.  fukurodanis got to the scene, but it was too late. the spell wore off, and kuroo immediately got lost in the forest. kenma was gone. and bokuto……………………………………………....… was DEAD.

fukurodanis held a funeral. bokuto, their beloved ace and captain, was gone. they made the most beautiful coffin out of glass because they were crafty as hell. it was magic. bokuto was perfectly preserved, in the glass coffin, completely visible, because that isnt creepy at all. 

akaashi the prince heard about this great ace who was dead in the glass coffin.  he came to find him. and he did find him. the fukurodanis let him come to pay his last respects.

“bokuto san,,,,,,” akaashi said. he was so upset. bokutos singing wasnt even that terrible, so he was not glad bokuto was dead. akaashi looked at bokutos beautiful biceps. so perfect. so strong. akaashi kis them. 

bokuto was ALIVE. it was tru loves kiss. the tru love,, was akaashi and the bicep. the fukurodanis were amazed. akaashi brought their ace back to life. they got gay married and were captain and vice captain of fukurodani and everyone lived happily ever after

**Author's Note:**

> man door hand hook car door


End file.
